THE AIR UP THERETraveling by air after the World Trade Centre terrorist attacks is not as scary as you would think, when you find an airline that is still in business. The flight over and back had all the delays, increased security and scrutiny I was expecting, but not even one full body cavity search was administered. In a lot of ways, I was actually relieved to be leaving North America for two weeks. Of course, once I heard “President” Tony Blair blabbing on the BBC about a “new world order” and rampant rumors of airborne anthrax spores, I knew I would not fully be escaping America’s New War.
Entertainment over was a potentially lethal cocktail of “Legally Blonde” and”Evolution.” I must admit that I paid five bucks for the circa 1970s orange headphones before I knew the scheduled mind- numbing entertainment. On the return I sat through “A Knight’s Tale” and “Shrek.” Two great examples of how modern music and the middle ages can be brought together into one.
THE PLANS
We were armed with our Rough Guide to London and Rick Steeve’s Guide to Great Britain. Between the two, it laid out a pretty comprehensive and reliable framework for our journey. The former gives an alleged “hip” overlook if the city and the latter is a much more PG friendly glimpse. The other essential piece of information is the latest copy of Time Out London or one of their more comprehensive travel guides. It helps to plan your precious time in the big city. Note to self: try to get the scoop of who’s in town BEFORE arriving, that way you can contact a ticket agent and secure your Ryan Adams tickets BEFORE they are sold out. It appears that Europeans like to actually buy advance tickets unlike the bulk of maritimers. ST. ALBANS
We actually stayed in a place called St. Alban’s home base. It is a little North of London, only a ride on the Thameslink away. It is home to a park, a moderate sized cathedral, and a Wednesday market where you can get a pound of bananas, raw meat, and a cell phone cover for under a fiver. The Waffle House in is a definte must see/ eat. Lots of local bars have references to Cocks (The Cock, The Fighting Cocks, etc), but I am not sure what that means. Built in an old grist mill, the place serves sweet and savory waffles. I GET AROUND
Instead of four way stops, they have roundabouts and most people drive little cars. One such car, the Smart Car is so small it can fit sideways into a parking spot. Handy, but you can kiss your ass goodbye if you tangle with a large Mercedes truck on an M series highway. It was easy to get around London with a one day travel pass. The underground can be a combat zone at rush hour, but during the day is quite easy to manouvre around and make the necessary transfers to get you across town with minimal tube rage. There is also adequate train and bus (even double decker ones) connections to get you to Brighton (combination of Old Orchard beach and Rodeo Drive), Bath (where Fatboy Slim), Stonehange (broke our camera), Liverpool (where the founder of Wings is from), and Blackpool (replica of Cornonation Street). There are also many discount airlines that are cheaper than going out to a play in the West End. A ferry ride down the Thames proved to be on of the most humourous rides, with a guide that made lots of jokes about history and peoples knickers. If you have the energy, there are many walking tours as well dealing with Ghosts, Jack the Ripper, Rock’n'Roll and Sherlock Holmes.
HISTORY: IT WILL COST YA
The neat thing about historic England, unlike here, is that instead of hearing of hearing “a few hundred years ago there were English and French settlements here” we would often hear “a few thousand years ago the Romans built large civilizations” or numerous stories of wars, plagues, fires and murders. Ah, the good ole days. The Tower of London, which isn’t so much a tower as it is a fort. A burly Beefeater gave us a tour. We even saw the crown jewels (not HIS, but the royal family’s). We took in the London Planetarium, complete with cheesy techno sounds, childish beginning, and vomit inducing voyages to black holes. Next up, Madame Tussards Wax Museum. I am kicking myself for not sneaking a polaroid of Jackie Chan. The London Dungeon was a highlight, with its boat ride through the sewers and over abundance of information on torture devices and witchcraft. The Design Museum is very interesting, but not nearly enough blood. The Millenium Wheel or the London Eye is a half hour ferris wheel of sight seeing splender. The British Museum is breathtaking, but it makes you wonder what artifacts they actually have left in Greece, Rome and parts of Africa. Picadilly Circus is neither a circus nor are there and pickles. Think mini-Times Square. Hyde Park is where you go when you want to get away from the City, within the City. It is huge and a great place to gather your thoughts. The twenty pound admission to the London Zoo (when it was closing in an hour) proved to be a stumbling block. We peeked over the fence and looked at a bird of two. Did I mention the costume museum in Bath? Must have forget about that. Well, what can you really say about old clothing in temperature controlled cases on dummies. Most of the tours involved a hand-held phone-like unit that would play back information about things you were seeing based on a numbered system. Press 54 if you don’t give a shit.
CONSUME THE NOURISHMENT
One of the first things I ate in England was a Mc Hotdog. I did pass on the Mc Donut and went for Burger King’s diddy donuts. Heinz salad cream seemed to be a pretty popular “buddy” (read: sandwich) spread. Cornish Pasties were a cheap and harty way to munch on the run. Grocery stores were an attraction to themselves, from a super-sized Sainsbury’s, to the Telco, or the Marks & Spencer. They had this fake meat stuff called Quorn which wasn’t too bad. For the record. Staying once in a bed and breakfast, we were treated to a full english breakfast complete with grease and various meats. Canadian back-bacon seems popular, which is off because you rarely find it in Canada. A Vegan Tai Buffet on Greek St near Tottenham Court tube station proved to be the food highlight for sure. All you can eat for five pounds ($11.75) in London is a steal. Over all I got to see how we have evolved over on this side of the pond by outlawing Sunday Shopping and hiding liquor in liquor stores. We ate an American rainforest themed restuarnat with monkeys and stuff. Our last supper consisted of a hearty order of fish & chips. Someone should have told me that chips were fries! And they should rename it to be fish, tail and fries.
MEDIA
British TV (5 channels, but only 4 in the zone we were staying) is an interesting thing. In between The Simpsons, Will & Grace, the original Who Wants to be a Millionaire, and The Naked Chief there are enough reality shows to make Fox blush. Whether it is becoming a model, a pop star, challenging your worst fears, bargain hunting, fixing up real estate or Big Brother…”reality” is everywhere. Kylie Monogue (her new songs will be invading your mind soon), Posh Spice and David “Golden Balls” Beckham are also everywhere. The “Presenting” industry is huge…hosts of shows are just as big as movie and music stars. The live music shows have their interesting moments, like Top of the Pops, Top of the Pops II, Later with Jools Holland, and Stars in their Eyes (which feature normal folk dressing up and performing like celebrities…there is that dang reality connection again). I didn’t buy a newspaper, but I heard some of them have nude girlies in them. As for Internet the two magic words are “Easy Everything.” You get cheap access at about half a dozen locations.
Yeah, sure it rained a lot but I realized I would go back. I would even consider living there.
I think this appeared in UPEI’s The Cadre.
